When I got back from travelling, I decided to join Weight Watchers to try and shift some of the travel pounds. My uncle had lost an amazing two stone in the time I had gone, thanks to his discipline at following the fat fighting programme. His svelte figure had appeared in just nine months. Amazing. So, off I went and persuaded one of my friends to go with me. We went to our first meeting together. It was a bit daunting getting up on a weighing scales in front of a room full of people. I started to peel off the layers as I walked towards it. There are many ploys to work around things. In other words, CHEAT. I put my ear to the ground and found out the tips. Don’t eat on the day of the WEIGH IN so you are as light as possible. Wear the same thing and if you are gonna stuff your face at any time during the week, do it the night of the weigh in. On hearing this, my friend and I decided to go for a bag of chips. We were starving. I hadn’t eaten a big dirty bag of Salt n’ Vinegar Irish chips in nine months. My head screamed inside “You deserve them, EAT THEM!” It felt like a covert operation as we did not want to be spotted by our leader or any fellow fat fighters… This was not looking good but I felt I had to follow the tips from the more experienced fat fightee’s.  A perverse type of logic but it worked. I have never tasted chips so good. They tasted illegal. Then, I checked the points. 27. Shit. We had gone over our daily allowance by 3 points. We would have to be really good for the rest of the week. I did try.

Only 2 Points of Chocolaty Goodness

We went to the next meeting. I stripped a little bit more and looked like I was going on holidays. I looked up expectantly at my cheery, positive and chatty fat fighting leader. Hoping against hope the bag of chips could be banished from my mind and my waist. Then, she stated, “You weigh the same.” Aha, I thought, that is why I am here. To lose nothing, nothing except my DIGNITY. AGGGHHHHHHHHHHH. I sat down beside my cousin who laughed and told me that was nothing, some people put on two pounds in their first week. Oh, what a fat fighting virgin I was. We bought a box of weight watcher chocolate bars (extortionately priced) and began stuffing our faces. Oh the irony… It was after weigh in after all. I tried a bit more. Sorta. I think I was rebelling against being told what to eat so I wanted to eat EVERYTHING. Needless to say, it didn’t work for me but of course, it does work for some. For me, each meeting felt like a meeting with my parole officer and having to admit what wrong thing you had eaten. It was depressing. You couldn’t look anyone in the eye and there were furtive glances to see if anyone had a stash of anything edible they were willing to share. I decided I didn’t have what it takes. Discipline, control and consistency. My uncle’s success is amazing and fair play to him for having those qualities and succeeding. He no longer has to pay to attend meetings. One can’t help but wonder what other factors played their part. He told me a hilarious story where one evening, sitting down to dinner, he reached across the table to help himself to another spud and my lovely aunt questioned him slowly “Are you sure you should be having another?”. He gave her but one glance as if to say “Really, after 35 years, I am now at my ideal weight and you’re still nagging me”. Instead, he said “Feck off”.

Feck Off Love

Posted: August 9, 2011 in Funny Stuff
Tags: , , , ,

There is a lot of emphasis put on how women are supposedly happier in relationships.  Happily ever after blah blah blah…  I don’t think this is always the case.  What if they are with the wrong person?  Not so happy campers then… I met lots of lovely couples on my travels who had been with each other for more than thirty years, had kids and seemed happily married.  I mean, I don’t know what goes on behind closed doors but they seemed happy enough to still hang out and have a laugh together.   I looked around and whispered “What’s your secret?”  As if it was a magic potion or a pill I could acquire after agreeing a deal.  I know it’s not unheard of people to try and cast a love spell.  I got lots of similar type responses like “being best friends” or “good communication” and quite reasonably “just liking each other” and “respecting one another daily”.  Maybe I was looking for a quick fix answer and there is no such thing.  I think “hard work” should be in there too.  I decided to come up with a few reasons “Why it’s great to be single” sometimes and not always in a relationship.

1)  You don’t have to watch football, Rugby or any sporting event in general and pretend to care…

2)  You don’t have to put up with unusual smells emanating from all areas

3)  You don’t have to queue to use your own bathroom

4)  You can get a good night’s sleep without waking up thinking a fog horn has gone off

5)  You can skip watching the News and watch Desperate Housewives instead

6)  You can look at frazzled couples with their kids in tow and think “I’m glad I was born after the sixties”

7)  You don’t have to sit in a car arguing over inane topics like who almost crashed the car into who…

8)  You can skip dinner and eat cereal instead

9)  You can have conversation over cereal with someone who answers back i.e. a girlfriend who can talk and eat at the same time, multitasking pro that she is…

10)  You can do whatever you want whenever you want e.g. you don’t need to fake a headache

Many of my girlfriends say the one thing they miss when they are not in a relationship is cuddles.  Cuddles.  That’s it.  Is that all men are good for?  Only when they are about to drop off to sleep.  I think I agree.  I blame the fact that we are reptilian like creatures who are very cold blooded and at night, we need someone to warm us up.  I think I will invest in a good hot water bottle and remember the list above… So, Feck off love.