Fighting Fat

Posted: November 8, 2011 in Funny Stuff
Tags: , , , , ,

When I got back from travelling, I decided to join Weight Watchers to try and shift some of the travel pounds. My uncle had lost an amazing two stone in the time I had gone, thanks to his discipline at following the fat fighting programme. His svelte figure had appeared in just nine months. Amazing. So, off I went and persuaded one of my friends to go with me. We went to our first meeting together. It was a bit daunting getting up on a weighing scales in front of a room full of people. I started to peel off the layers as I walked towards it. There are many ploys to work around things. In other words, CHEAT. I put my ear to the ground and found out the tips. Don’t eat on the day of the WEIGH IN so you are as light as possible. Wear the same thing and if you are gonna stuff your face at any time during the week, do it the night of the weigh in. On hearing this, my friend and I decided to go for a bag of chips. We were starving. I hadn’t eaten a big dirty bag of Salt n’ Vinegar Irish chips in nine months. My head screamed inside “You deserve them, EAT THEM!” It felt like a covert operation as we did not want to be spotted by our leader or any fellow fat fighters… This was not looking good but I felt I had to follow the tips from the more experienced fat fightee’s.  A perverse type of logic but it worked. I have never tasted chips so good. They tasted illegal. Then, I checked the points. 27. Shit. We had gone over our daily allowance by 3 points. We would have to be really good for the rest of the week. I did try.

Only 2 Points of Chocolaty Goodness

We went to the next meeting. I stripped a little bit more and looked like I was going on holidays. I looked up expectantly at my cheery, positive and chatty fat fighting leader. Hoping against hope the bag of chips could be banished from my mind and my waist. Then, she stated, “You weigh the same.” Aha, I thought, that is why I am here. To lose nothing, nothing except my DIGNITY. AGGGHHHHHHHHHHH. I sat down beside my cousin who laughed and told me that was nothing, some people put on two pounds in their first week. Oh, what a fat fighting virgin I was. We bought a box of weight watcher chocolate bars (extortionately priced) and began stuffing our faces. Oh the irony… It was after weigh in after all. I tried a bit more. Sorta. I think I was rebelling against being told what to eat so I wanted to eat EVERYTHING. Needless to say, it didn’t work for me but of course, it does work for some. For me, each meeting felt like a meeting with my parole officer and having to admit what wrong thing you had eaten. It was depressing. You couldn’t look anyone in the eye and there were furtive glances to see if anyone had a stash of anything edible they were willing to share. I decided I didn’t have what it takes. Discipline, control and consistency. My uncle’s success is amazing and fair play to him for having those qualities and succeeding. He no longer has to pay to attend meetings. One can’t help but wonder what other factors played their part. He told me a hilarious story where one evening, sitting down to dinner, he reached across the table to help himself to another spud and my lovely aunt questioned him slowly “Are you sure you should be having another?”. He gave her but one glance as if to say “Really, after 35 years, I am now at my ideal weight and you’re still nagging me”. Instead, he said “Feck off”.

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