Everybodys Going Surfing (Except Me…)

Posted: July 9, 2011 in Funny Stuff, Sporty Stuff
Tags: , ,

    I had my first surfing lesson in Kuta in Bali. Kuta is like the Aussie Ibiza. They were everywhere with a surfboard under their arms. I went out with some Aussie girls the night before my lesson. Bad Idea… I slept out and woke to the sound of the phone ringing. My head was pounding and my lift was outside. I rationalised that the Aussie’s liked beer and surfing so they must go together. I was getting a private lesson. My Balinese instructor took one look at me and laughed. He offered me water, a cigarette and told me to take a rest. I liked him immediately.

  He ran through a few techniques on the beach: How to pop up and more importantly, how to stop the board from smacking you in the face. I felt like a pro. No problem. I strode confidently into the sea with the surf board under my arm. When I got in, I felt like I was in a Battle with the sea. It was wipe-out after wipe-out.  It was intense. My instructor would yell at me to “Paddle, Paddle, Paddle!”. I would paddle like a crazy person looking back at the oncoming wave then he would tell me to pop. I would try to pull myself up on the moving board. Once my chest was on the board, I would have to pull my knees up and pop i.e. jump up with feet at front and back of board. I would get it wrong and promptly fall in with my hands waving in the air. My energy soon sapped.

  We had a few breaks but I kept going back in. I felt like I had swallowed a container of salt and was dehydrated beyond belief. I was determined to stand up. The sea was not going to win. It was WAR… After a few more wipe outs, I saw the Surf School photographer in the distance. I figured I’d give it one last shot. I managed to pull myself onto the board, pop and stand up in a slightly crouched position. I held it and looked towards the beach with my arms outstretched. I held it for two seconds before I wobbled and went crashing into the water with my board surfing free all the way to the beach. My description is more together that the captured results. I reckoned next time I would abstain from going out the night before…

    My next lesson was at Surf Camp in Surfers Paradise in Australia. I went to bed early to get up for the 6am start. There was a large group of us and three instructors. We were told the waves were dumpy. I understood this to mean we were going to be dumped into the sea more often than not… I managed to eat some sand and catch some freckles out there battling the dumpy waves. It was exhausting. One guy got a smack to the face with a surf board. He got a broken nose and a fat lip for his efforts. He looked like Leslie Ash when her lip implant surgery went wrong.

    I stayed out till we were told to come in. I was a complete and utter wipe-out… I should have stayed up the night before drinking copious amounts while partaking in the limbo competition. Maybe it would have helped my balance and I could have won a T-shirt. The surfing instructors hurried us on to our buses. I looked around and noticed them checking out the leftover beers in the fridge. I thought about our early start that morning and how the instructor that was meant to wake us up slept in. I realised that I was right, surfing and beer does go together.

Here is how it should be done by an Australian Pro, Occy:


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